um, hello?

wow. Forgot about this blog though I have had it for a few years now...

my last post sounds so whiny! I have been pretty busy lately which is actually pretty awesome.

Its funny that my last post was me complaining about how boring my weekends were and how I was sick of staying in. This weekend I am staying in (except super bowl sunday!) and I am pretty happy to be staying in- Its nice to just hang out by yourself sometimes, you know? maybe im just weird like that but anyways...

tonight im just hanging out and watching prince of egypt. keeping it super low key and uh.. yeah like, whatever.

not sure if I will update... ever... lol

maybe in like... a year?

IM SOOO BORED

what the hell has happened to my social life?

I dont like staying in... at all. I like to go out. I like to get dressed up and go out to eat. I like being the 'loud' table- the one with all the college kids flashing their cameras and laughing at the most ridiculous and immature jokes.I am pretty sure that this is like my 100th weekend staying in. I used to like to do things on my own but not so much anymore. My independence is starting to get realllly boring.

Isn't there anyone out there who wants to go out some time? Seriously. ANYTHING. We could go to Papa Vinos. Or we could see what is going on at the Performing Arts Center in South Bend. Even if we just catch a movie at wonderland. I. DONT. CARE.

Just get me out into the world again...

just... so... lonely...

lol

Will I Ever Feel Like That Again?

So a couple of weeks ago- on Thanksgiving day I was battling holiday traffic on my way to Chicago for Thanksgiving dinner. Thanks to construction on 94 I was stuck in single lane traffic for a little less than an hour. While flipping through the Chicago radio stations I flipped past something that felt so familiar. I hesitated and finally flipped back to that station. I listened to the familiar song once more, realizing that it was the first time I had heard it since I was in high school- or maybe since Shay's funeral... I couldn't remember which. Either way there is something about this song that makes me feel so... complete? I know that sounds like a total cliche lol.. but I know no other way to describe it. It feels like home to me. It feels like I have a family- like every Friday night when that song was played at vespers- those people around you- those adolescent, spoiled, ill-tempered and annoying academy students became your family. I haven't felt that way in a long time, and I will easily tell you that I ache for it.

College is like six flags at the end of the season. You count the days until you get there. You imagine all the rides, shows- all of the fun you are about to have. The day comes when you can finally go and its overcast. No big deal, you didn't want a sunburn anyway... so you make the most of it, right? You get on the first few rides and have a total blast. By 10am you realize that you have been on every ride so you go to check out the shows. By noon you have seen everything and by 3pm all of your close friends have gone home early. Determined to get your money's worth you remain. You sit there, freezing in your shorts, tanktop and sunglasses. You begin to remember Cedar Point in May. The warm sun bouncing off lake Erie, your best friends on either side of you screaming their heads off on the Wicked Twister... what could ever amount to that feeling? So you make the most of Six Flags. You repeat the rides and enjoy as many pointless games and shows as you can. Fake it till you make it right?

Well after three years dont you think I ought to have made it by now? I mean I dont hate it here, I like it, but I dont LOVE it like I LOVED Academy. Am I supposed to love college that much? Was I supposed to even like High School?

Im not trying to be a downer tonight- im just really tired. It's been a rough day- I have been very sick and unable to study or enjoy hulu. I am just praying I dont have Swine flu. My point is... I have made the mistake of listening to this song again tonight. It is bittersweet. I have let go of High School and tried to embrace college but it doesn't seem to be working. I feel empty, meaningless and almost even corporate. My work is suffering too. I feel like so much of it is lacking soul..

I liked it before, you know? but now I am tired of being 'independent'. I am tired of constantly only having myself to really rely on. Granted, I do have family here, but its not the same. I feel like nothing will ever compare to the friends I had in High School. And the sad thing? All of us will never be together again. Even with my closest friends I have to spend time with them separately because so many of them hate each other now. I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy!! I just have a lot of feelings... lol..

dang. I totally went off subject.

Bottom line- I really miss MVA. I miss the feeling of 'Togetherness'... I miss feeling God, I miss being a part of something. Without that I feel lost.

(real bottom line= pms/having a cold/finals week is really getting to me now)

oh and this is the song that started it all:

whoa!

what happened to blogging?!?! I have totalllllly ghosted the last, what, 2 months?
well much has happened and much is happening, but I won bore anyone with all of that. Many ups and downs but mostly ups, and I think its safe to say that its been a pretty good semester. for the first time I am actually happy at Andrews. I knew I just needed a little time, maybe some perspective, whatever. oh geesh, I am such a boring writer sometimes. "Cliche, cliche, cliche, handbells, cliche, cliche, cliche, photography, cliche about art in general, cliche." That is like my standard writing format. sometimes. The weather has been pretty wonderful here in Michigan but somehow I am anticipating a super massive storm. Probably because I watched 'The Storm Of the Century" on Nat Geo the other day. Seriously, you guys. It could happen at any time!

Today the most ridiculous thing happened. Well, I guess I will start with last night.
So last night B and I camped out in Harrigan while I worked on my book for Mixed Media. It was nice to have someone to talk to while I had to do that- especially since the charger for my laptop is broken (oh and cell phone is off!) so communication has been minimal. Its incredible how much I disappear without constant access to my phone and internet! Its actually pretty ridiculous, and not very healthy. I suppose it has been nice to take a break from it all, but I could really use my phone. My car has been giving me trouble lately and it would be nice to be able to chat with my Ohio Homies once in a while.
but I digress.
So Last night I was up until about 1:30 on campus, just workin' on my book. I went home when we were all tired and decided that it was 'good enough' and I would bind it in the morning. When I got home though, I was just NOT tired... at all. So I was up until about 5 adding and modifying the book. I am really happy with the cover I did and the collage on the inside- products of random bursts of inspiration- but I wish I had that when I began the book. Its not very consistent as far as color and design go, but I did my best to make it work. I still have to finish binding it but I have a while before my next class. Soooo, yeah, I got two and a half hours of sleep last night. Not good. I am in better condition than expected, but rest assured I will be knocked out by 3pm- wherever I am.
Right- so I stumbled into Spanish class today looking a hot mess (at least I had managed to brush my teeth this morning) and El Profe (my teacher, heh) was out in the hall about to close the door. "¡Hola Briana!" he smiled at me.
"¡Hola!" I replied with the little enthusiasm that I can muster on two and a half hours of sleep.
"¿Estás Listo para el Examen?" He said to me..
"Whaaaa????" I said suspiciously. He was tricking me! He had to be! Oh, he was hilarious. "Nooooo...." I smiled, wagging my finger.
"Ahhh, ¡Bueno!"- oh yeah he was just testing me! oh, my teachers are hilarious I tell you.

okay so I get into class and settle into my seat next to Ashley and Im like, 'Yo! Ash! we dont have a test, right?"
"ummm... yes?"
EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

so yeah, a test over chaper 5, which I would have done well on had I at least reviewed a little bit. But now I am pretty sure I failed. I didn't get to 2 of the 5 sections. I couldn't remember ANYTHING. There was a whole paragraph of what Ramón should do in Hollywood and all I could say was "Ramón debe cambiar su nombre". yeah. BRILLIANT.


soooo thats the EPIC FAIL of the semester... so far...

oh did I mention BFA reviews are coming up super fast? Every time I see Mason he's like "We talk about you a lot" and im like gee, thanks, no pressure though, right?

oh also, May I solicit your prayers? I am trying to decide what I am going to do with my life. Photo will always be my major- I never want to change that- but I really need to decide what I am going to do with English. I love LOVE writing (though I dont always show it) but I just cant give it the attention it deserves. I am most passionate about art and photography and I cant see that changing anytime soon. True, its possible to be passionate about many things at once, but I think I would explode if I tried to do that. Plus- both of these majors require a lot of time and energy and I just dont know if I can handle it.

wow this post is just...
TOO LONG. DID NOT READ.

TO DO LIST

helllllooo!

Well the weather sucks today, but I wont let that get me down because I totally got an A- on my last spanish test. The one I was positive that I had failed. When I got the test I thought that there MUST be some kind of mistake... Ashley told me not to question the gods, so I went along with it.

I will admit, yesterday was a really bad day. I was in a place I never wanted to be again. I did something different to snap out of it this time, and if I ever get stuck there again I know exactly what to do. Other than that, this week is a week like any other. Well, except that I might drive up to St. Paul on Friday when Mom is planning on flying up. My Grandpa is not doing great at all and I would like to see him even though I am pretty sure that I have only met him once in my life.

I am going to start working on my to-do list with 'eating' because I havent had anything all day and then I am going shooting. Rainy Days are a good opportunity for color contrast.

soo im not sure if you can tell (this being m third post today) but i am hving a really, really bad day.

i feel really sick right now. I dont know if it is from stress, being out in chicago on a kinda rainy day or a combination of the two, but I feel so sick right now. I dont want to move. I dont want to eat. I just want to lay here and hope it goes away. the last week has been kind of crappy and I feel like I really need a break... I wish I could just go home some weekend or something. Its like no matter how hard I fight the war is never going to be over. Fighting some evil villian who threatens to blow up new york city? Taking down the giant lizard terrorizing Tokyo? I wish saving the world were that easy. Instead we fight ourselves and eachother. We try to fight disease and hunger- we try to fix things our own way. The sad truth is that the world is always going to need saving. Each of us are always going to need saving.

just a thought. I wont be finishing this because I have to concentrate on not throwing up.