Monday, December 7, 2009

Will I Ever Feel Like That Again?

So a couple of weeks ago- on Thanksgiving day I was battling holiday traffic on my way to Chicago for Thanksgiving dinner. Thanks to construction on 94 I was stuck in single lane traffic for a little less than an hour. While flipping through the Chicago radio stations I flipped past something that felt so familiar. I hesitated and finally flipped back to that station. I listened to the familiar song once more, realizing that it was the first time I had heard it since I was in high school- or maybe since Shay's funeral... I couldn't remember which. Either way there is something about this song that makes me feel so... complete? I know that sounds like a total cliche lol.. but I know no other way to describe it. It feels like home to me. It feels like I have a family- like every Friday night when that song was played at vespers- those people around you- those adolescent, spoiled, ill-tempered and annoying academy students became your family. I haven't felt that way in a long time, and I will easily tell you that I ache for it.
College is like six flags at the end of the season. You count the days until you get there. You imagine all the rides, shows- all of the fun you are about to have. The day comes when you can finally go and its overcast. No big deal, you didn't want a sunburn anyway... so you make the most of it, right? You get on the first few rides and have a total blast. By 10am you realize that you have been on every ride so you go to check out the shows. By noon you have seen everything and by 3pm all of your close friends have gone home early. Determined to get your money's worth you remain. You sit there, freezing in your shorts, tanktop and sunglasses. You begin to remember Cedar Point in May. The warm sun bouncing off lake Erie, your best friends on either side of you screaming their heads off on the Wicked Twister... what could ever amount to that feeling? So you make the most of Six Flags. You repeat the rides and enjoy as many pointless games and shows as you can. Fake it till you make it right?
Well after three years dont you think I ought to have made it by now? I mean I dont hate it here, I like it, but I dont LOVE it like I LOVED Academy. Am I supposed to love college that much? Was I supposed to even like High School?
Im not trying to be a downer tonight- im just really tired. It's been a rough day- I have been very sick and unable to study or enjoy hulu. I am just praying I dont have Swine flu. My point is... I have made the mistake of listening to this song again tonight. It is bittersweet. I have let go of High School and tried to embrace college but it doesn't seem to be working. I feel empty, meaningless and almost even corporate. My work is suffering too. I feel like so much of it is lacking soul..
I liked it before, you know? but now I am tired of being 'independent'. I am tired of constantly only having myself to really rely on. Granted, I do have family here, but its not the same. I feel like nothing will ever compare to the friends I had in High School. And the sad thing? All of us will never be together again. Even with my closest friends I have to spend time with them separately because so many of them hate each other now. I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school... I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy!! I just have a lot of feelings... lol..
dang. I totally went off subject.
Bottom line- I really miss MVA. I miss the feeling of 'Togetherness'... I miss feeling God, I miss being a part of something. Without that I feel lost.

(real bottom line= pms/having a cold/finals week is really getting to me now)

oh and this is the song that started it all:


  1. i definitely know how you feel. college hasn't exactly worked out like i thought it would. especially coming back home. i thought that since i'd be back with most of my friends, everything would be ok. but it turns out that i don't really see any of them. like we're not even live that far away from each other but we don't talk or hang out. high school seems so long ago. lyapa and i always talk about how we probably won't ever all be together again. it's sad... when i was in new york, i didn't really think about it. but now that i'm back here... sigh. lol. and yeah, as much as i hated mva, it was nice to feel like a part of something. with my class, bells, dorm life, i always felt like i had somewhere.

  2. i concur..

    but mabye it's cuz deep down, im a bitch, i don't ever wanna go back at the same time.. >.<


    guess life's not as cracked up as it used to be...