Saturday, August 29, 2009

update on my life

For the last two years recording my life had been reduced to blog entries and photography. Not that that is bad or anything, but for some reason I didn't keep an actual journal. I had journals but maybe I was afraid of what I would write if I was certain that no one else would read it. Blogging was easier because there was always that chance- well i was almost always certain that someone was going to read it. My distress was thinly veiled... I wrote lots of random stuff but I remember well how I really felt at the time... so Imagine how upset I was when I accidentally deleted all of my posts. I lost my thoughts... the history of the last couple of years of my life. There are still the photographs though, which speak volumes. I can look at those and find different meanings for them each time. Things I didn't even know I was saying... but still, the words would have been nice to look back on.
But... maybe I was meant to accidentally delete those entries. Maybe I am not meant to look back?For some reason I have been thinking of the story of Lot's wife lately. I am not really sure what brought it up but now I think I understand. In Luke 17:32 to 33 Jesus says "Remember Lot’s Wife. If you cling to your life, you will lose it, if you let your life go, you will save it." If I were to dwell on the past- on what seemed like the lowest point of my life so far, what would happen to me? Would I get sucked into the old way of thinking again?
I dont want to over-do it now. I dont want to turn into a cliche. To sum it all up, God answers prayer. Even at my lowest and weakest point, somehow he heard me. I dont want to think about what would have happened to me if I hadn't clung to the little hope that I had.
Welllll that is enough for now. Happy Sabbath to you, faithful readers (uh, soogie and alia lol). This morning I am doing my best to stay under the radar. Yes, God has been infinitely good to me and yet I am still too lazy to get out of bed on Sabbath morning, get all dressed up, and go to church. I plan to go around 11:30. most of the stuff before that is all fluff- you know, that girl gets up and does earnest prayer number 4- you know the one, where she sounds so desperate as she says 'And Lord, you know our hearts!'. After earnest prayer number 4, that girl leads out in some inspirational praise music, which I would find inspirational if I didn't feel like I was watching some kind of play. Some parts of church are just not real to me. For some people, each desperate look to the PMC ceiling... every squeeze of the eyes is a carefully planned action.. all a part of the show.
Pastor Nelson, though? he is all real, and that is what I like the most about PMC. His sermons are not made to be these big, emotionally-based things that bring you to turn your life around instantly. They are seeds planted in our minds so that over time, they all grow together to form a sturdy vine that we can hold on to when times get rough.
So that is why instead of taking a shower right now I am going back to sleep.
what a random post, lol.

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